The Hammer of the Goddess

This is the end. The last time I ever write something like this. Before I continue—thank you, thank you, thank you. I began this platform a broken and destroyed woman. A woman with nothing left. Except this platform. These words. These amazing women. So many amazing women. From all over the world. Who enjoy what I have to say. Who affirm me as a Black woman. Who affirm me as a Black trans woman. Who support me. Who pick me up. Who encourage me every step of the way. I cannot believe my luck. I cannot believe this exists. I am nothing without the Goddess. I am nothing without the women in my life. 

I cannot thank you enough. Every single one of you. Your grace. Your beauty. Your tenacity. Your passion. You were, on countless occasions, my glimmer of happiness during times of chronic depression. You revealed to me a glimpse of another world. That glimpse, and all of you is what I carry with me as I prepare to the life I attempted to leave behind. Over the last three years, I have learned numerous painful and valuable lessons. I will never forget a single one of them. When I realized I was a woman, that I had in fact, been a woman my entire life, I desperately wanted to escape the world I had come from. The World of Men. Environments ruled, dominated, and controlled by men. I wanted to be as far away from that world as possible.

Unfortunately, as it stands right now, that is the only world welcoming to a woman like me. Black. Lesbian. Masculine trans woman. There is not a whole lot of space for a woman like me pretty much anywhere. Believe me, I have checked. I do not blame anyone for this. The world is what the world is for reasons many of us have analyzed, unpacked, and dissected. Out of all the painful lessons that I have learned over the last three years, this one hurt the most. That is all right. I am all right. Never better, in fact. 

For obvious reasons, I wanted to escape my masculinity. Something paradoxical and unanticipated has happened—the more comfortable I have become in my womanhood, the more I have embraced and even appreciate my masculine nature. I love the woman that I am. I am a woman who has the ability to navigate the world as a man. So from this moment forward, that is what I am going to do. Permanently. Countess Blackwell is who I am—my psyche, my interiority, my personality. 

I have already returned to the world with the name I was born with, and now that I have decided to live and work as a man full time, I am going to take this all of the way. I have an interview at some white man’s office today, and other potential interviews lined up. If I am to be treated (misgendered) as a man, I will be compensated accordingly. Before my life fell apart, I took this pretty far. I traveled North America a few times over. Awesome hotels. Amazing restaurants. I lived a Mötley Crüe record, and I was an absolute mess internally.

Now? I will not be denied, and that is in large part because of all of you. I am going back undercover and I intend on using the power and privilege I will accumulate to enrich and improve the lives of the Goddesses who have lifted me up. I will never, ever, ever forget any of you, no matter where life takes me from here. Everything I do from here is in service to the Goddess. Everything I do from here is in service to all of you. I say it often, and I mean it every time—I fucking love you. All of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

The General has returned.

Countess Fucking Blackwell

Advertisements