I have spent the last three years of my life unpacking. Karma. Trauma. Failure. Addiction. Womanhood. Spirituality. Transgenderism—in all of its horror, beauty, brutality, and complexity. I had to face every corner of my psyche—not a single stone was allowed to remain unturned. This was a painful, exhausting, and nightmarish process. Often, as recent as a few days ago in fact, I longed for Death. Because of the angels in my life, who would never allow me to give up even when I desperately wanted to, I am still here.
The thing about deconstructing your entire life is that, in a real way, you have to start over. I did my best to do both at the same time, deconstruct and reconstruct, but I learned that is—not possible. The deconstruction is finished (thankfully). I can set that down for good. Now, the reconstruction project begins in earnest. First, a transition (of sorts). I have referenced this casually previously, but to elaborate—I am currently undergoing androgen treatment.
In short, I will have the mind/wisdom of a 33 year old Black woman with the body of a 25 year old Black man. I will be returning to the vanilla world using my government name. I will, in effect, live as a man. That is not at odds with my womanhood. In fact, my experience has been the opposite. With each passing day, the deeper my voice gets, the more virile I feel, the more masculine I feel, the happier, and more productive I feel as a woman.
I once read about how common it was for butch lesbians for much of history to live as men. I could not have anticipated that I would, in a way, end up where I started 3 years ago. Everything is different now, and I am excited about continuing this process. It has been less than a month, and I have already felt significant changes.
Last, the future of Countess Blackwell. This platform has been a journey all on its own. Twitter and this site and now Patreon, have all been me trying to find my footing as a creative person while all of this internal and external turmoil was taking place. Countess Blackwell dot com is a laboratory—I share and curate occult knowledge, write about the Left Hand Path, a Path I walk in my personal life. I am an erotic storyteller. Think Shakespeare, if he was a Black transsexual whore from Brooklyn.
Countess Blackwell dot com is a sample platter of the world I want to create. Black Saturday, hosted on Patreon, is that world. Poems. Erotic short story collections. Erotic screenplays. Curated information about the Left Hand Path, Human Sexuality, Drugs and Drug History. A lot of stuff about whores and a whole lot more. I will be producing content almost daily both out front and for patrons. I make rad merchandise and send it out as a thank you for support.
So, as I begin reconstructing my life, if you enjoy what I do, please consider being a patron or just throwing me some change and wishing me the best of luck. The angels in my life, both personally and online, have given me so much in the last three year. It is time that I return the favor. What drives me during this reconstruction process is the desire to show everyone who helped me along the way that it was 150% worth it. I will not rest until this is accomplished.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Countess Fucking Blackwell
Sex. Magic. Entertainment